Merry Christmas - DETROIT STYLE!

Christmas in Detroit is a very unique experience for those who aren't from here or have never lived here. There are so many elements involved that make a Detroit Christmas special each and every year. I have spent Christmas in other cities a few times during my life, and it just doesn't feel the same. I mean, sure, the ham is still good and the gifts are nice, but if I'm not home in the D for Christmas, well, it just seems like any old other day.

I know most of you readers are asking yourself, "Bitch, Christmas is Christmas! How different can it be?" Well, I'm glad you've asked. Come with me! Let me telepathically invite you to spend

Christmas in Detroit

with

Vonna Lashay

Come on in but take your shoes off, Ni99a! This carpet here cost cost me three nights tips from dancin' at The Black Bunny. Ain't it soft? Mmmhmm. I know you glad you wore clean socks. Well come on. Let me introduce you to my family.

This here is my beloved mama, Sista Rita. She cooked just about everythang in the kitchen today. Don't get to close, though. This crazy b!tch is a germaphobic. She ain't wearing them white church gloves for nothin'. Mmmhmm.

Next to mama is my big sister GeeGee. And when I say big, I don't just mean older. This heffa here will eat 80% of e'rythang Mama just cooked, and be lookin' at yo plate like, "Why dis ni99a eatin MY food?" Her fat a$$ is sweet though. But we tryin' to keep her away from the Christmas tree. Ain't but one candy cane left on that mothafu%&a, and I keep seein her zoom in on it. Mmmhmmm.

Let's move on down to Cousin Pooh Bear. Sho' do got a cute name, don't he? Yeah. When Pooh Bear was a baby, he looked just like Winnie da Pooh. He was chubby and cute and oh, so loveable. But now, only thang that's cute and loveable about this ni99a is his fu%#in' name! A true Detroit thug, Pooh Bear got all the war wounds to prove it. Look at his face! I see a bullet hole, a knife scar, and look like (let me get a lil' bit closer) some bite marks? "Ni99a, who da hell done bit you?" Well, anyways, stay away from Pooh Bear. I know you can't tell he's checkin' cuz of that lazy eye goin south and the other one focused on the North Star, but this ni99a will rob you for that Santa hat you got on and walk away, talkin' bout "Ho, Ho, Ho!"

And speakin' of "Ho, Ho, Ho!", next to Cousin Pooh Bear is his younger sister, Tamika. Ain't she a cute somethin? Mmmhmm. And talented, too. Not only can she braid any ni99a's hair in 10 minutes flat, she can suck and f%#k him at the same time! Yes she can! And look at her outfit! Girl is sharp! I know them gator stilettos set you back half a stack. (whispers in yo ear - "But the ho prolly used her welfare check and sold that damn food stamp card to get 'em. Mmmmhmmm.") Don't give her no rides nowhere either. Yo a$$ end up on the east side somewhere, beggin' for yo life.

And hey! Look who came this year! It's Uncle Do-Right! Charmin' ol fella, ain't he. Uncle Do-Right got the best teeth in the family. But don't let his name and his smile fool you. This dirty mothafu%#er been married 12 times, got 18 kids, and ain't paid a lick of child support since 1979. He also call himself a mechanic. You can take yo car to him if you want to. But don't be surprised if he strip out all yo good $hit and replace it with junkyard $hit and still charge you like he did somethin' good. "Oh look! Uncle Do-Right brought a fruit basket! Mmmhmm."

And last, but not least, is my precious little angel, Asia: my pride and joy. Look at her in her little Christmas dress, dancin' around the house, being so helpful and polite. She is truly a blessing. Huh? What you say? She kicked you in yo leg and stole yo what? YO CREDIT CARD? Not my Asia! You a lie! You get yo lyin' a$$ up out my house callin my baby girl a thief! Hell naw! Have you lost yo eva-lovin mind? My baby ain't neva stole NOTHIN! GET OUT!

And while you tryin' to find yo way to yo raggedy a$$ car, slippin and slidin on that snow and ice, watch them Christmas Crackheads out there. They be waitin on people leavin they relatives houses with nice, expensive gifts. Them gifts make for easy pawns in the morning. That crack ain't cheap, baby.

Merry Christmas, Mothaf#%a!!!!!!